An army of bedbugs was partying in her mattress. What else could go wrong?

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(Illustrations by Andrew Rae)

Jessica Goldstein

This all started with tiny spots of blood. I had no idea where they came from. They were in a splatter pattern. Dots of rust-colored stains on my soft, yellow bedsheets. Very Jackson Pollock.

I should have realized it is not a good thing to have blood in your bed, and it is definitely a bad thing to have blood in your bed and not know its source. But I tell myself it isnt a problem. I figure I scratched a few mosquito bites in my sleep. I wash everything. I order new sheets. That seems like an acceptable course of action.

A few days later, I am sitting on my bed. It is 11:45 p.m. A bug brown, pinkie-nail-size, neither especially quick nor slow crawls across my comforter.

I kill it, squeezing it inside a tissue. It pops like bubble wrap.

Wait a second I think. That couldnt be a

I remain calm. Just because theres a bug in your bed doesnt mean you have bedbugs, just like you can have a friend whos a boy, but it doesnt mean hes your boyfriend.

I turn to Wikipedia, WebMD. The evidence piles up. It is disgusting. Words like infestation, parasitic and fecal spots fill my screen. I learn the telltale signs: clusters of bites, which I dont have, and blood spots in the bed,which I do. Turns out bedbugs explode when their bellies are full. I realize, because I am bite-free, my bugs must be full of someone elses blood. Maybe my upstairs neighbor? Oh, God. I dont even know my upstairs neighbor.

I scramble for my phone and start speed-dialing. Parents, sister, brother, sister-in-law, repeat. Straight to voice mail. I remember that my parents have a landline. I call twice, to no avail. I consider yelling into the answering machine. I call again. My dad picks up.

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An army of bedbugs was partying in her mattress. What else could go wrong?

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