And the winners are …

The 2012 Academy Awards

As it happened: All the hits, misses, jokes and gaffes from this year's Oscars and red carpet.

All entries in AEDT. Running scores - Hugo 5, The Artist 5, The Iron Lady 2, A Separation 1, The Help 1, The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo 1, Undefeated 1, Rango 1, The Muppets 1, The Descendants 1, Midnight in Paris 1, The Shore 1, The Fantastic Flying Books of Mr. Morris Lessmore 1, Saving Face 1.

4.02pm: The quotes from backstage trickling through. This from Christopher Plummer:

"It is a le creme on top, and it's lovely to be sort of accepted, because you know that beyond the pleasure of working in front of a live audience, particularly, it's a general acceptance of your work. So it's thrilling, and I don't pretend not to poo poo awards, although there's so many of them, I can't keep up. I mean, they're inventing a new one every day."

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And ...

"Well, it is sort of a renewal, it's not a beginning exactly, but it has recharged me and I hope I can do it for another ten years at least. I'm going to drop dead wherever I am, on stage or on the set. We don't retire in our profession, thank God."

3.56pm: Australian winner Kirk Baxter is backstage and talking:

"I think we were flabbergasted when we were standing there, kind of speaks for itself. Movies have momentum behind them. There's a few films this year that have that momentum. Our movie wasn't nominated for Best Picture so it was surprising for us."

3.50pm: Another Tweet

3.44pm: Some thoughts from the Twitter-sphere:

3.41pm: Jim's not a happy man: "Oscar stock hits bottom as The Artist takes best film. Proof that the dazzle of an elongated novelty trick can blind Oscar voters to the cinematic qualities they are supposed to recognise and celebrate. That the award was announced by Tom Cruise, an actor famous for pulling off impossible missions, was fitting. The eternal optimist in all of us prays that this is an aberration."

3.40pm: There you have it. Lots of speeches and awards, not a lot of note in between. Billy brought back the comfort of the familiar, but failed to balance it with anything new. Between that and the removal of every other bit of colour (still sore about the Best Song performances being lost) it's hard to describe this as anything but unmemorable.

3.39pm: A final word from Billy.

Billy Crystal

"That's our evening, good night everybody."

Short and to the point.

Notably there is no group shot on the stage, the cast and crew of The Artist get off and the lights are dimmed as we hear far too much more from the muzak orchestra.

3.37pm: The producer of The Artist appears to be an 18 year old work experience kid which says a lot for the French high school film programs. Seriously though he's young and very proud. The director says it's 6am in Paris and he wants to thank Billy Winder, Billy Winder and Billy Winder.

3.34pm: They're getting through the nine Best Picture nominees much quicker and in far more engrossing a manner than either of the Best Actor gongs. It's not just about the egos. But it is mostly about the egos.

Best Picture
NOMINEES:
The Artist
The Descendants
Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close
Hugo
Midnight in Paris
The Help 
Moneyball
War Horse 
The Tree of Life

And the Oscar goes to: The Artist

3.33pm: Tom Cruise is up to present the long list of nominees for Best Picture. Billy says it's because he's been on screen since he was 19.

3.30pm: Score one for the Old White Men? Meryl wins only her third Oscar with her 17th nomination.

"When they called my name, I had this feeling I could hear half of America saying "Oh come on, her again? Why?" but whatever!"

She thanks first her husband, then her makeup artist (who won film's only other award earlier tonight)

"I know I'll never be up here again," says Meryl as she thanks her old friends and her new friends. "The thing that counts the most for me is the friendships, and the love and the sheer joy we have shared." She thanks those here and departed for her "inexplicably wonderful career."

3.28pm: He's good on his intro for Michelle too who he says was his mentor when they first worked together, despite her being 12 and he 35.

Best Actress
NOMINEES:
Glenn Close, Albert Nobbs
Viola Davis, The Help
Rooney Mara, The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo
Meryl Streep, The Iron Lady
Michelle Williams, My Week With Marilyn

 And the Oscar goes to: Meryl Streep, The Iron Lady

3.26pm: Oh wait. "Meryl. Mama Mia! We were in Greece, I was gay, we danced and I probably fathered your daughter. They were strange times but wonderful." Nice.

3.25pm: I'm not sure who thought it was a good idea to lumber the naturally charming Colin Firth with the drawn out litany of flattery that is the Best Actress nominations. When Colin can't make it interesting, you've made a bad call.

3.24pm: Billy has a quick snipe prior to introducing the next presenter.

Billy Crystal

"They must be going nuts in France right now. Or whatever it is the French have in place of joy."

3.23pm: Not a lot to be had in the way of highlights this year. The showbiz has gone out of the showbiz awards, as it all gets a bit samey, a bit Billy and a bit obsessed with the actual awards.

3.22pm: Another ray of sunshine from Jim Schembri: "Oscar stocks drop another 50 points as Best Actor goes to The Artist, now unarguably the most overrated film of the year. "I love your country," Jean Dujardin tells America. If only America could return the compliment."

3.19pm: A lot expected from this acceptance speech. Or, possibly, nothing.

"I love your country. Thank you to the Academy. It's funny because in 1929 it wasn't Billy Crystal but Douglas Fairbanks that hosted the first Oscars Ceremony." Jean mentions it because the acceptance speeches were 15 minutes. "How times have changed."

No sign of the dog yet. I'm getting worried.

Finally, Jean adds: "If George Valentine could speak he'd say [incomprehensible French yelling that is cool because it's French]"

3.18pm: And we're almost there ...

Best Actor
NOMINEES:
Demian Bichir, A Better Life
George Clooney, The Descendants
Jean Dujardin, The Artist
Gary Oldman, Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy
Brad Pitt, Moneyball

And the Oscar goes to: Jean Dujardin, The Artist

3.16pm: If you're wondering why we couldn't have all of the (two) Best Songs performed this year, it seems this is the answer. This is taking longer than some of the Best Short Film nominees.

3.14pm: Ruh-rosh. Natalie Portman is presenting Best Actor and she's having to give a testimony for each and then we also get a clip from their film. It seems just being nominated isn't quite enough. You need Natalie (she's using first names, so I will too) to tell you how great you were.

3.12pm: Yet if it was all getting too serious:

Billy Crystal

"I've never had any of those feelings."

He then thanks the choir on What A Wonderful World.

3.10pm: I take it back. Time for one more actors-talk-to-camera montage in which the stars tell us why they like movies. No one has said "because they pay me millions of dollars". 

3.09pm: Only twenty minutes (and whatever change Billy negotiated) left and the three big awards to go. What are your tips? Is it all The Artist and Meryl from here? Let us know in the comments.

3.08pm: Brett McKenzie is lightening the mood backstage.

3.07pm: The strains of What A Wonderful World end with Elizabeth Taylor. Thankfully no muzak follows to kill the moment. We just get an ad.

3.04pm: Won't get them all but we get to start with Jane Russell, the first to get a word in is Peter Falk, as does Steve Jobs.

3.03pm: Not much left, the big acting and film awards plus In Memorium. Which is up now.

Billy Crystal

Billy gives a special mention to the two former Oscars producers who we have lost this year.

3.01pm: Jim Schembri is back: "The nightmare begins as The Artist wins best director: Oscar credibility drops 50 points as the world braces for a rush of studio-backed silent French films. Not as bad as it sounds, so long as we can get Michael Bay to do one of them. Really. What were Academy voters thinking?"

2.59pm: And Alex wants more of ... Steve

2.58pm: Steve Martin appears upset at Bridesmaids missing out.

2.57pm: The highlights reel has James Earl Jones gob-smacked, Oprah in tears and Dick Smith very thankful. Meryl introduces the three to the stage and they receive an ovation to ... well more of the bleeding muzak actually. It feels like the Oscars have gone off-off-off Broadway. And now these luminaries are honoured with an ad break.

2.56pm: Meryl pops on her specs to introduce the Governors Awards package held in a separate ceremony. They went to James Earl Jones, Oprah Winfrey and Dick Smith (not the Australian).

2.55pm: Billy wants Meryl to get an Oscar for having sat in the seats 14 times and pretend that she's really happy someone else won.

2.53pm: Michel has forgotten his speech, but he's French so it sounds cute. He wants to thank all of us. And then tries to do so individually. Again he's French so it works. And he thanks Uggie the dog. And he wants to thank the movie. I think he means movies in general, unless he's thanking his own movie, which would seem immodest, but hey... he's French.

2.51pm: Did you guess? Each director gets a testimony from one of the actors in his film.

Best Director
NOMINEES:
Woody Allen, Midnight in Paris
Michel Hazanavicius, The Artist
Terrence Malick, The Tree of Life
Alexander Payne, The Descendants
Martin Scorsese, Hugo

And the Oscar goes to: Michel Hazanavicius, The Artist

2.50pm: And we're back with Michael Douglas.

Douglas was tipped to be presenting Best Picture. He won't be unless there's a big change to the running order. He's talking about directors. I think I know what he's presenting.

2.48pm: Jim Schembri: "Sigh. We knew it was going to be impossible for Billy Crystal to get through the evening without making a 30-year old joke about J Edgar Hoover being a cross dresser. Would have made a big difference if the crack was funny. Where, oh where, did Crystal get these prehistoric gags from? His safety deposit box?"

That joke didn't make enough of an impression to warrant a mention before. That. Good.

2.47pm: The pair behind Lessmore are very excited and very unprepared.

2.46pm: Nothing particularly funny before...

Best Animated Short Film
NOMINEES:
Dimanche/Sunday
The Fantastic Flying Books of Mr. Morris Lessmore
La Luna
A Morning Stroll
Wild Life

And the Oscar goes to: The Fantastic Flying Books of Mr. Morris Lessmore

2.42pm: Time for another award, but not before Melissa and Rose play the Scorsese drinking game, pulling mini-bar bottles from their cleavage to down before announcing:

Best Documentary Short Subject 
NOMINEES:
The Barber of Birmingham: Foot Soldier of the Civil Rights Movement?
God Is the Bigger Elvis
Incident in New Baghdad
Saving Face
The Tsunami and the Cherry Blossom

And the Oscar goes to: Saving Face

2.41pm: The father-daughter team from The Shore are happy to let people know that the Irish are happy to talk.

2.40pm: They also get to hand out some awards.

Best Live Action Short Film 
NOMINEES:
Pentecost
Raju
The Shore
Time Freak
Tuba Atlantic

And the Oscar goes to: The Shore

2.39pm: The girls from Bridesmaids are on stage proving that while girls can be funny (though no one really doubted that) the script writers for the Oscars still only think they can be funny making penis jokes.

2.37pm: It's time for the Motion Picture Arts & Sciences' Sci-Tech Awards recap presented by Mila Jovovich

2.36pm: There's a theme here:

2.35pm: Jim Schembri: "Note to Angelina Jolie: For a woman trying hard to bolster her cred as a serious filmmaker, coming out in a revealing cheesecake dress with a split up to here might not have been a good call. Just trying to help."

2.33pm: Oh NOW we get a good throw to an ad. It's a webcam pointed at two of the nominees for Best Short Film at the very moment that they found out that they'd been nominated. Their genuine, sincere, excited scream is only the second time this evening that something has been emotional. Octavia Spencer was the first.

2.32pm: That's right, it's another montage. Reese Witherspoon admits her favourite film is Overboard with Kurt Russell and Goldie Hawn. Sacha Baron Cohen says he tries to make stuff that he wants to watch "I just want to watch really sick stuff."

2.31pm: Woody Allen isn't here (no real shock) so Angelina thanks the Academy on behalf of the Academy who accept the award on behalf of Woody.

2.29pm: Angelina stands up straight (like her mother demanded) and presents another award.

Best Original Screenplay
NOMINEES:
Woody Allen, Midnight in Paris
JC Chandor, Margin Call
Asghar Farhadi, A Separation
Michel Hazanavicius, The Artist
Kristen Wiig and Annie Mumolo, Bridesmaids

And the Oscar goes to: Woody Allen, Midnight in Paris

2.28pm: Jim, Nat and Alexander mock Angelina's broad stance beautifully, and then Alex dares to say the clock has to be stopped for that. He also kindly introduces the world to which of them is Jim, Nat and Alex before dedicating the award to his mother as she demanded.

2.26pm: Angelina comes out to speak the words written for her REALLY BADLY. An in-joke given the award? Who knows, but she thrusts a leg out so far it's a metre away from her to distract as many in the audience as possible.

Best Adapted Screenplay
NOMINEES:
Alexander Payne, Nat Faxton, Jim Rash, The Descendants
John Logan, Hugo
George Clooney, Grant Heslov, Beau Willimon, The Ides of March
Aaron Sorkin, Steven Zaillian, Moneyball
Bridget O'Connor, Peter Straughn, Tinker, Tailor, Soldier, Spy

And the Oscar goes to: The Descendants

2.24pm: Time for some Billy.

Billy Crystal

"You know front row, why don't we all chip in and buy the LA Dodgers. You know, if you pay you play!"

He then completely flubs the introduction of Angelina Jolie.

2.21pm: Scott Ellis has just pointed out that Brett should have thanked Kirk Baxter for winning an Oscar earlier otherwise Australia would be adopting him right now.

2.20pm: The muzak is seriously raging out of control. We now get a long boring plucked number while cigarette girls hand out popcorn in the audience. I'd have preferred to hear more of "Man or A Muppet"

2.19pm: And that puts Brett McKenzie on stage who talks of being star-struck when he finally met Kermit the Frog "but once you get to know him, he's just a normal frog, and like a lot of stars here tonight, he's a lot shorter in real life." Then adds "just a little joke". Nice.

He also thanks his parents for never telling him to get a real job and Jim Henson and his original team. Class all round from Brett.

2.17pm: Will Ferrell and Zag Gallifaginagus (that's how he said it) step out of the orchestra pit to present an award.

Best Original Song
NOMINEES:
Man or Muppet, The Muppets; Music and Lyric by Bret McKenzie
Real in Rio, Rio; Music by Sergio Mendes and Carlinhos Brown, Lyric by Siedah Garrett

And the Oscar goes to: The Muppets

2.16pm Ludovic asks "To you the Academy, please accept me, because I've got so much love to give" Then he speaks in French for a bit and a whole lot more Academy members are keen to get some of that love. Unfortunately he was talking to his wife, so there's not as much chance.

2.15pm: Jim Schembri: "No, Billy, no! Not the "I can tell what they're thinking" routine! Aargh!"

2.12pm: A bland musical gag introduces Owen Wilson and Penelope Cruz. They've got a script and an award.

Original Score
NOMINEES:
The Adventures of Tintin, John Williams
The Artist, Ludovic Bource
Hugo, Howard Shore
Tinker, Tailor, Soldier, Spy, Alberto Iglesias
War Horse, John Williams

And the Oscar goes to: The Artist

2.11pm: Time now for the hallowed tradition, the President of the Academy gives everyone the opportunity for a mid-show stretch. Billy realises this as he thanks Tom for "whipping the crowd into a frenzy" and calls him Mr Excitement.

There are some jokes you can make on your 9th appearance.

2.08pm: And we welcome you to the year 2000 as Billy does his "I can read their minds" routine. Brad Pitt has 8 parent-teacher conferences in the morning. Morgan Freeman gets a timely gag about March of the Penguins. George Clooney a gag about the kiss. Scorsese a gag about being a director. Nick Nolte gets guttaral noises. Coco (the dog from Artist) gets "if I had 'em I'd lick 'em". Sigh. Not much of a highlight.

2.06pm: Just before the break we got a long blast of muzak and then a brief explanation of Hugo. It could best be summarised thusly:

Hugo 

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2.05pm: Jim Schembri: "Christopher Plummer's Best supporting actor win is NOT a defacto lifetime achievement award. He actually deserved it. Oldest actor ever to win an Oscar."

Ed Gibbs: "Feisty Emma Stone the highlight so far by a mile. A future presenter in the making?"

2.03pm: Plummer says he would share this award with Ewan McGregor if he had any decency "but I don't". And thanks his agents provocateur and his wife Elaine who deserves the Nobel Peace Prize.

2.01pm: At 82, with his first win, Plummer becomes the oldest actor to win an Oscar. He gets an ovation.

"You're only two years older than me darling, where have you been all my life?

"When I first emerged from my Mother's womb I was already rehearsing my Oscars acceptance speech. Mercifully for you it was so long ago I've forgotten it."

2.00pm: Melissa Leo is on stage now to present an award without swearing.

Best Supporting Actor
NOMINEES:
Kenneth Branagh, My Week With Marilyn
Jonah Hill, Moneyball
Nick Nolte, Warrior
Christopher Plummer, Beginners
Max Von Sydow, Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close

And the Oscar goes to: Christopher Plummer, Beginners

1.59pm: Just as a quick aside, wow, Mark Wahlberg's friend at PriceWaterhouse Coopers really lied to him about the winners. (See the link above if that doesn't make sense).

1.58pm: Billy does a quick gag pointing out that Harry Potter earned $7.7 billion ... but only paid 13% in income tax. Boom. Tish.

1.57pm: "I know it's a huge thrill to be nominated, but it's awesome to win and really underrated." Ah finally, truth in acceptance speeches.

1.53pm: Emma Stone and Ben Stiller are on stage, and Emma is just gushing about it being her first time presenting and despite how scripted this is it's fun. Probably because Emma Stone is just good at it. Jonah Hill is in on the act. Ben Stiller warns her from being "the presenter who tries too hard". Emma recounts a few classic Stiller-isms from Oscars past (he's in a tuxedo tonight).

Best Achievement in Visual Effects
NOMINEES:
Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2
Hugo
Real Steel
Rise of the Planet of the Apes
Transformers: Dark of the Moon

And the Oscar goes to: Hugo

1.52pm: Melissa McCarthy is now molesting Billy Crystal in his dressing room, at least that's what the back stage bit would have us believe. Meanwhile on stage...

1.50pm: So what do you think of the Oscars so far? Agree with the winners? Agree with the comments? Agree with their very existence?

Jim Schembri has some animated thoughts: "Rango winning best animated feature is a triumph of originality over franchise movies such as Kung Fu Panda 2 and Puss in Boots. But please, Gore Verbinski, we beg you not to use your Oscar to heavy the studio to green light a sequel."

1.49pm: Gore Verbinksi thanks a "real world chameleon" Johnny Depp for his work on the film. He also says people ask him whether Rango is a kids film and "I don't konw".

1.48pm: Chris barely read the card before announcing that, so expected was that win.

1.47pm: Bet you can't guess which award Chris is presenting ...

Best Animated Feature
NOMINEES:
A Cat In Paris
Chico & Rita
Kung Fu Panda 2
Puss in Boots
Rango

And the Oscar goes to: Rango

1.45pm: And now Chris Rock is doing, well a Chris Rock impression as he discusses his love for animation where fat women can play skinny women, a white man can play a prince of Arabia and a black man can play a donkey or a zebra.

1.44pm: Now THIS isn't scripted. The massive bromance that is the boys who made this film swear, whoop and talk over the music trying play them off before their microphone is ultimately turned off. It's funnier than RDJ's spot too.

1.42pm: Robert Downey Jr. has just interrupted Gwyneth Paltrow with a documentary crew to film a documentary called "The Presenter". He complains Gwyneth's lines feel scripted. There's WAY too much irony in that.

Best Documentary Feature
NOMINEES:
Hell and Back Again
If a Tree Falls: A Story of the Earth Liberation Front
Paradise Lost 3: Purgatory
Pina
Undefeated

And the Oscar goes to: Undefeated

1.41pm: And it's time for some schtick.

Billy Crystal

Billy wants to recognise the achievements of the elderly members of the crowd. He points out Christopher Plummer who may be walking up on stage tonight "because apparently he wanders off."

1.38pm: The acrobats spinning above the audience have me wondering exactly what Sacha Baron Cohen is up to right now. And probably have a few insurance agents very nervous.

1.36pm: Piggy and Kermit introduce a one off never-to-be-repeated Cirque du Soleil spot. It is essentially very similar every other Cirque du Soleil spot you've seen except they're in cinema based costumes and there is a video wall behind them doing fancy things. That said, it is just as magical as every other CdS spot you've seen as well. Essentially it's not a good thing to read about in text, so ummm... hey look over there!

1.34pm: Over to the Muppets. Kermit and Piggy having domestic #23,498. Kermit recalls his first time watching a film ... and getting run over by a Studebaker.

1.31pm: And it also signals a few words from some of the Fairfax film critics:

Ed Gibbs: "HUGO cleaning up at the moment in tech Oscars, with tally standing at four, does it spell a trouncing over THE ARTIST for Best Picture and Director?"

Jim Schembri: "OK, nobody is going to care, but best editing going to Girl With the Dragon Tattoo instead of Hugo is a celebration of production mimicry - which seems to be the Oscar theme this year. We weren't expecting this," says one of the winners. Dude, nobody was! Give it back."

1.30pm: The muzak swells which means it must be time for an ad break, and the pitch for another of this year's Best Picture nominees. They tell us about:

The Descendants 

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1.29pm: The Sound Mixing team on Hugo are less of a comedy act, they are on the other hand by turn more emotional and more sincere.

1.28pm: They get to do one more award:

Best Achievement in Sound Mixing
NOMINEES:
The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo, David Parker, Michael Semanick, Ren Klyce and Bo Persson
Hugo, Tom Fleischman and John Midgley
Moneyball, Deb Adair, Ron Bochar, Dave Giammarco and Ed Novick
Transformers: Dark of the Moon, Greg P. Russell, Gary Summers, Jeffrey J. Haboush and Peter J. Devlin
War Horse, Gary Rydstrom, Andy Nelson, Tom Johnson and Stuart Wilson

And the Oscar goes to: Hugo

1.27pm: Philip and Eugene start with a gag. "You go" says one. "No, Hu-go" says t'other. They then continue their comedic stylings by thanking "everyone who has ever been born, or will be born, and if I've left anyone out, you know who you are!"

1.26pm: Bradley Cooper and Tina Fey quickly present another award.

Best Achievement in Sound Editing
NOMINEES:
Drive, Lon Bender and Victor Ray Ennis
The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo, Ren Klyce
Hugo, Philip Stockton and Eugene Gearty
Transformers: Dark of the Moon, Ethan Van der Ryn and Erik Aadahl
War Horse, Richard Hymns and Gary Rydstrom

And the Oscar goes to: Hugo

1.25pm: A big upset this one. As indicated by Kirk pointing out that "we weren't expecting this" and the fact that they feel some members of their team aren't even there. Totally and utterly having nothing to say, Kirk and Angus just agree to "let's get out of here!" and leave early to big applause.

1.23pm: Bradley Cooper and Tina Fey are here to present an award.

Best Achievement in Film Editing
NOMINEES:
The Artist, Anne-Sophie Bion and Michel Hazanavicius
The Descendants, Kevin Tent
The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo, Kirk Baxter and Angus Wall
Hugo, Thelma Schoonmaker
Moneyball, Christopher Tellefsen

And the Oscar goes to: The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo, Kirk Baxter and Angus Wall
 

1.22pm: Billy is now thanking all the actors who have appeared in the various bits so far. Thank goodness, as I wasn't sure who Tom Cruise and George Clooney were.

1.20pm: I'm not saying this is definitely faked, but Eugene Levy is in the focus group. In fact this is basically the brilliant team of comedic mockumentary team that brought us films like Spinal Tap and Best in Show.

1.19pm: And now some "rare footage of one of the first focus groups on watching The Wizard of Oz."

1.18pm: Billy is back.

Billy Crystal

On seeing The Help:

"I wanted to hug the first black woman I saw which from Beverly Hills is about a forty minute drive."

1.17pm: JIM SCHEMBRI has just dropped in to ask "Sandra Bullock intros Best Foreign Film in Mandarin Chinese with a German accent. Question: Why isn't she hosting?"

1.15pm: The Oscars have just stepped into an elevator for an ad break. At least I assume they have as we are getting a muzack outro for yet another ad break. They musos are playing it live from one of the boxes above the stage. Not the best "new thing" about this year's awards it must be said.

1.14pm: We have tears! Octavia thanks the Academy for putting her with the hottest guy in the room. It could be Oscar. Could be Christian Bale. Could be the seat warmer from earlier. She thanks Alabama. She's reading off the auto-cue which means she just said "please wrap up". Emotional and effusive. The sort of speech we want.

1.13pm: If you're wondering, yes I did type that award before it was announced. Odds on favourite Octavia is clearly popular in the room as she gets a whooping standing ovation that seems genuine and prolonged.

1.10pm: Christian Bale is now on stage following Billy Crystal's first political joke of the evening in which he accuses at least one Republican Presidential candidate of being a crack addict. Heh.

Best Supporting Actress
NOMINEES:
Berenice Bejo, The Artist
Jessica Chastain, The Help
Melissa McCarthy, Bridesmaids
Janet McTeer, Albert Nobbs
Octavia Spencer, The Help 

And the Oscar goes to: Octavia Spencer, The Help

1.08pm: This is an entirely predictable yet thoroughly deserved decision. The first film from Iran to win an Oscar. The award is dedicated to all who "despise hostility and resentment" which seems a good benchmark for tonight's speeches.

1.07pm: Is on stage speaking a German version of Mandarin (it works as a joke when you see it) to present another Oscar.

Best Foreign Language Film of the Year
NOMINEES:
Bullhead (Belgium)
Footnote (Israel)
In Darkness (Poland)
Monsieur Lazhar (Canada)
A Separation (Iran)

And the Oscar goes to: A Separation

1.05pm: Before the break the Voice-of-Oscars was telling us all about Moneyball. It looks a bit like this:

1.03pm: So what's different this year? It turns out that for each of the technical awards, during the announcement of the nominees we get a testimonial from the star of the film about the nominees work. So we had Glenn Close talking about the work of the make up team on Albert Nobbs. It's actually a nice touch as it means we won't just see clips from Hugo and The Artist all night.

1.02pm: A different Voice-of-Oscars has come on to tell us that there are more awards to come. And more presenters. And they don't say it, but I'm betting there will be more montages too.

1.01pm: Testimonies to camera from a bunch of Hollywood's A-list telling us about their first time going to the cinema. Brad Pitt went to see something called Gargantua. That film will now be being downloaded by millions. Yesterday, noone had heard of it. Adam Sandler on the other hand is recalling Sean Connery's chest hair.

1.00pm: Mark Coulier thanks Meryl Streep for keeping him employed for 27 years.

12.59pm: A quick mention for J.Lo and C.Ditz who just turned their collective derrieres to the camera before presenting the award. C.Ditz tells us "well, you take a chance..." On what exactly is unclear.

12.57pm: Jennifer Lopez and Cameron Diaz present one more award...

Best Makeup
NOMINEES:
Albert Nobbs, Martial Corneville, Lynn Johnston and Matthew W. Mungle
Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2, Nick Dudman, Amanda Knight and Lisa Tomblin
The Iron Lady, Mark Coulier and J. Roy Helland

 

And the Oscar goes to: The Iron Lady

12.56pm: Mark Bridges wants to thank the Academy "for making dreams come true." There's clearly been a direction to keep early speeches VERY shot this year.

12.54pm: Jennifer Lopez and Cameron Diaz come out to present another award...

Best Costume Design
NOMINEES:
Anonymous, Lisy Christl
The Artist, Mark Bridges
Hugo, Sandy Powell
Jane Eyre, Michael O’Connor
W.E., Arianne Phillips

And the Oscar goes to: The Artist

12.52pm: Time for another montage, through the ages of cinema. Forest Gump, Titanic, The Princess Bride, Amelie, Ghost, Jaws, Apollo 13, The Hangover, Planes, Trains and Automobiles, Beverly Hills Cop, Apocalypse Now, The Godfather, A Few Good Men, The French Connection, Star Wars, Raging Bull, Midnight Cowboy, Rocky, all lead in to THAT orgasm scene from When Harry Met Sally . And then Billy tells us that that was Rob Reiner's mom wanting "what she's having". Is there anyone left alive who didn't know that and would be watching the Oscars?

12.51pm: And we're back.

Billy Crystal

"We're sitting in the [your name here] theatre, to experience something you can only experience in the cinema. Bed bugs."

12.48pm: A strange Caribbean musical interlude plays us into the break, after the voice of Oscars tells us that Meryl Streep has 17 nominations for only 2 wins, then ponders whether she can do it again. Presumably the voice means win, not do again what she normally does, which is smile politely while chalking up another record for unsuccessful nominations.

12.47pm: And the team from Hugo dedicate the award to Italy!

12.46pm: So far the early awards going as predicted, particularly as predicted by Mark Wahlberg!

12.45pm: Time for the second award.

Best Achievement in Art Direction
NOMINEES:
The Artist
Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2
Hugo
Midnight in Paris
War Horse

And the Oscar goes to: HUGO

12.44pm: Robert is graceful as he accepts an award that he can't believe gets awarded first.

12.43pm: Time for an award.

Best Achievement in Cinematography 
NOMINEES:
The Artist, Guillaume Schiffman
The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo, Jeff Cronenweth
Hugo, Robert Richardson
The Tree of Life, Emmanuel Lubezki
War Horse, Janusz Kaminski

And the Oscar goes to: HUGO

12:42pm: And to present the first award... Tom Hanks. Who presented the first award last year. He's introducing Karl, a man who has been seat filling at the Oscars for 49 years. The Oscars are literally recognising the little people. Well, little person. Well, he looks short in that seat.

Billy Crystal

"That's the Oscars, a party for one, for the rest it's the blues" 

12.40pm: As Billy continues the song which has nine films to get through, here's a GUESS at how tonight might go.

The running order has for the last few years been a closely guarded secret. For a clue though, here's the order the awards came in last year.

Best Art Direction
Best Cinematography
Best Supporting Actress
Best Animated Feature
Best Animated Short Film
Best Adapted Screenplay
Best Original Screenplay
Best Foreign Language Film
Best Supporting Actor
Academy President
Best Original Score Oscar
Best Sound Mixing
Best Sound Editing
Motion Picture Arts & Sciences' Sci-Tech Awards recap
Best Makeup
Best Costume Design
Performances of nominees for Best Song *** Not happening this year ***
Best Documentary Short Subject
Best Live Action Short Film
Best Documentary feature
Best Visual Effects
Best Film Editing
Best Original Song
In Memoriam segment
Best Director Award
Governors Awards package held in a separate ceremony in November, with the honourees introduced onstage
Best Actress Oscar
Best Actor Oscar
Best Motion Picture Oscar

12.38pm: The song is a montage. Mr Ed theme about War Horse. That's Amore about Scorsese "it's Hugo". Billy is upset no one was offed in Hugo. And "What's it all about?" a song about Tree of Life.

12.36pm: And now...

Billy Crystal

Billy is now on stage and making this thumbnail instantly inaccurate by wearing white tie.

No mention of Eddie Murphy yet.

He's hosting for the 9th time he tells us. Big cheer.

Now we're getting a repeated gag about baseball and the way that James Earl Jones pronounces it.

Cue the song... "It's a wonderful night for Oscar..."

12:35pm: Billy makes an ugly Tintin before strips of film start flying everywhere. Looks like it's time to enter the NOT KODAK theatre.

12.33pm: Gorgeous thematic linking of films, the pie from The Help into THAT bathroom scene from Bridesmaids. Then Tom Cruise bursts through the window into the cinema that Billy is watching Hugo in.

12:32pm And NOW he's chatting to Justin Bieber who is promising "I'll bring the 18 to 24 year old graphic"... before Billy cameos as Sammy Davis Jr promising to kill Hitler. This just in from the sentences you thought you'd never type department.

12:31pm As predicted, we start with Billy featuring in scenes from all this year's best films. He's kissing George Clooney now.

12:29pm And now, live from the Hollywood and Highland Theatre... it's Morgan Freeman. One assumes this isn't a last minute change in host, but a man to introduce the host.

12.27pm: Afternoon all, I'll be your interpreter for the next few hours of Academy shenanigans - Giles.

12.25pm That's all from the red carpet. Sarah McInerney and Lenny Ann Low are signing off. Over to you Giles.

12.25pm Glenn Close looks amazing in a fitted forest green Zac Posen dress with a matching dinner jacket.

12.20pm Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt are on the red carpet! Angelina is in Atelier Versace. It's black with a thigh high split. Her hair is out and flowing and she's gone for a red lip colour.

12.16pm Metallics have been another mini-trend at this year's Oscars. Meryl Streep continues the trend with this gold Lanvin gown and what looks like a chain link belt.

12.15pm Penelope Cruz in a very glamorous blue Armani princess-style gown.

12.12pm New mum and last year's best actress winner Natalie Portman in what looks like a red, strapless, polkadot gown. Apparently it's a 1954 vintage Christian Dior.

12.05pm Sandy goes two tone! Former winner Sandra Bullock in a white and black dress with filigree embellishment at the waist and sleeve.

12pm Colour and sparkle have been the big themes of the red carpet so far but white is definitely a mini-trend. Gwyneth Paltrow is in a long white dress by Tom Ford, it looks off the shoulder but it's hard to tell because the dress is covered by a white cape in the same fabric. We're betting she'll shrug that cape off for her presenting duties later in the evening.

11.52am We're calling it the starburst design and here's another one, from Zuhair Murad and worn by Jennifer Lopez. It has sleeve cutouts, a low v-neck and a small train. Her hair is very elegant, old Hollywood, scooped up off the face - a common theme tonight. She commiserates with Ryan Seacrest's 'ash' covered suit, saying "oh baby, I'm sorry about that".

11.50am There's a bit of royalty on the red carpet. Princess Charlene is showing off her swimmer's arms and her husband, Prince Albert II of Monaco. She's in an ivory coloured, shimmery, sleeveless gown.

11.37am Jessica Chastain is reportedly wearing $US 2 million worth of Harry Winston yellow diamonds. Without a security guard.

11.35am Is Emma Stone a presenter or a present? With a large bow at the neck, Stone's cherry red dress is reminiscent of Nicole Kidman's 2007 Balenciaga gown.

11.24am Seacrest is "the victim of comedy" says Tina Fey.

11.20am So much for Ryan Seacrest's Burberry suit. It's now covered in the fake ashes of Kim Jong-il, courtesy of The Dictator who spilled them down the TV presenter's front. Seacrest is not happy. The 'ashes' are everywhere! Where's the lint roller...

11.12am Annie Mumolo and Kristen Wiig on the red carpet - they're co-nominees for the Bridesmaids screenplay. Both admit their minds are whirling at the success of the film. Mumolo was 'waiting tables' and working three jobs at the one time before the film.

Wiig is in a nude-coloured, strapless J. Mendel dress with a fitted bust and flowing skirt. Mumolo is in Pamella Roland.

11.10am Apparently The Dictator (aka Sacha Baron Cohen in character) has arrived. Looks like he's accompanied by female security guards in mini-skirts carrying large bouquets. We're waiting for a close-up view.

11.05am Octavia Spencer is in a starburst of sequins, courtesy of designer Tadashi Shoji.

10.56am Just to clarify Viola Davis has actually gone wig-free at the encouragement of her husband, according to Instyle.com. The hair, the gown, the accessories - she looks fabulous.

10.55am Rooney Mara continues her brave fashion choices with a white Givenchy gown. There's a hint of the Opera House sails across the bust. We're undecided on this one.

10.52am Michelle Williams is in a coral Louis Vuitton gown with a frill from waist to hip.

10.45am P.Diddy is getting the lint roller treatment prior to walking the red carpet.

10.40am Nominee Viola Davis is here. She's in an emerald green Vera Wang. Has she chopped off her locks or is it pulled back in an updo? Either way, she looks stunning.

10.35am OK, on closer inspection Stacy Keibler is in a bronze Marchesa gown. Not quite Oscar colour but very statue-like! Clooney is in a Giorgio Armani suit.

10.30am Michelle Williams has arrived with her besty Busy Philipps. We're just waiting to get a look at her dress.

10.24am Lenny and Sarah say fashion miss for Jessica Chastain. Kelly Osbourne says hit. Looks like a bit of an overly-brocaded cushion to us. Jump on the comments and let us know what you think...

10.22am Shailene Woodley has taken a step back in time with Valentino Couture. It's a bit like a '60s bridal dress - fitted, modest and slinky. She seriously looks fab!

10.20am Has George Clooney's girlfriend Stacy Keibler come as an Oscar? Perhaps she's hoping to colour coordinate with her boyfriend's best actor statue. Clooney is nominated for his role in The Descendants.

10.12am Berenice is wearing a light mint colour, which she compares to the colour of Ryan Seacrest's eyes.

10.10am Rose Byrne is in Vivienne Westwood, a shimmering, black, column dress. Nice to hear an Aussie accent on the red carpet. Black is certainly an unusual choice on what has been quite a colourful red carpet so far. Nice to see she saw the error of her ways after that jumpsuit at the SAG awards.

10.08am The red carpet chatter is that the 'Bridemaids' have arrived.

10.05am Milla Jovovich in another Elie Saab. A silver, one shouldered gown with swirling sequins all over and a clutch to match. It's a pretty heavy duty box-clutch - weapon like, she suggests. Consider that a warning Oscar-goers...

10am Nominee Berenice Bejo - again, from The Artist - has arrived. She's wearing red carpet favourite Elie Saab.

9.55am The red carpet goes green! Missi Pyle, also from The Artist, is wearing a dress made from the product of cruelty free silk worms. She joked they were living it up in a suite in the Four Seasons Hotel. It was the winning entry in the red carpet eco-friendly design contest. It's a nod to old Hollywood glamour in a Tiffany blue colour with a brooch adorning the waist.

Photo: Getty

9.35am The E! red carpet team has kicked off the proceedings with a plug for their own designers - Guiliana Rancic is in a gorgeous, silver coloured Tony Ward couture gown with cap sleeves. Ryan Seacrest is in Burberry.

9.28am So who are we expecting to see on the red carpet today, well some of the high profile nominees include Meryl Streep, Michelle Williams, George Clooney, Brad Pitt, Jessica Chastain and Viola Davis. Halle Berry was on the presenting team but has apparently pulled out because of issues with a broken foot. Angelina Jolie is reported to be presenting.

9.24am The first photo has dropped onto the wires. It's US television presenter Nancy O'Dell. Wow, that's some plunging neckline, but it's great to see some colour on the red carpet early on in the proceedings.

Photo: Getty

9.17am Morning style watchers! Live coverage of the Oscars red carpet is only minutes away. On deck to bring you the fashion hits and misses are Sarah McInerney and Lenny Ann Low. Taking over at 12.30pm to cover the ceremony is Giles Hardie.

<blockquote class="twitter-tweet"><p>I'm going skydiving, but I'm gonna hang from Angelina Jolie.</p>&mdash; AB (@alecbaldwin) <a href="https://twitter.com/alecbaldwin/status/173973103406362624" data-datetime="2012-02-27T03:29:54+00:00">February 27, 2012</a></blockquote>

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And the winners are ...